succurro fellowship: dark sea
i’m fully in the sea of dark days. the desaturated sun barely whispers thru the atmosphere. the yearly plunge into coolblackdepths is a regular shock to my system. the feelings flow, i withdraw, depression descends. tho recently when friends ask how i’m doing, the honest answer is pretty good. which feels disingenuous if i don’t acknowledge that i’m really going thru it and there’s a lot to go through.. but instead of slinking into a helplessness depression, i attend to the issues that arise. it’s been like i’m lifting ‘the rug’ and deep cleaning underneath; things that have been tucked away for years, decades, the majority of my life, even lifetimes passed. i’m here, it’s a little nuts, but i’m totally handling it. it’s a new feeling.
this shift also feels very saturn return-y. like body and mind agree - whatever it is - we just gotta deal with it, cuz we’re not putting more shit under the rug when we’re busy cleanin it out. get in there, get dirty, feel all the pain and discomfort of shedding, of growing. a sense that there is no way around, only through.
tho the deep dives into the cold, dark environment are familiar, there’s something different this time. it doesn’t feel like a monotonous vacuum of nothingness that might not end.
the difference is i’m still in touch with joy. i experience some form or many forms, everyday. i’m still creating, still doing. i’m soft with myself, my body, this time around. i’m listening to what it needs, when it wants to do nothing, not piling on shame to the many feels that already swoop-in this time of year.
i still feel my sense of purpose most days. i touch base with my anchors and buoys i’ve scattered for myself, staying grounded and afloat. i maintain a sense of my body: where i stop and the external begins. i have tools to engage when that border gets fuzzy. having clarity of self opens avenues for much bigger boulders to move. it allows the energy around me to flow.
it’s clear that working on healing with others often mirrors energetic disconnects in ourselves. the theme of a moment in my healing reiterates from many directions. (a dream, something someone says, a meditative realization, something that comes up in a session, a conflict, something i witness). all forces working with me to uncover, process, grow. all the people in my journey, showing up to share with me something about myself. { collectively just millions of tini pieces of universe sharing itself with eachother ,, what JOY, what BEAUTY ! }
there are clues to the innerworkings of the life game all around us, and the key to shifting is simply our attention. attention is an antidote to boredom, the key to connection, and a powerful medicine.
having a place to return to in a daily meditation practice makes self-attention a daily priority. each piece of our 6 part mediation practice is varied in approach and offers a different energetic inventory and attunement. diamond points meditation helps me drop into stillness, feeling the energy pulses of my body and its surrounding field. during cortices tapping, i feel how easily i’m able to make the two halves of my brain kinda glow and kiss each other, awakening their cooperation. starting the day with these practices is a lovely way to check-in with my self first thing in the morning like ‘hey welcome to the day how we feelin?’. sometimes it’s business as usual and other times i get clarity about somewhere there’s disharmony or something that needs my attention. the ritual of self-attunement ripples out affecting my overall energetic availability. so in the midst of all the feels and growth, when i stop to consider how i’m doing in this sea of dark, i’m surprised and delighted that i’m not just able to float, but to swim.
(this post was written within & in reflection of my fellowship time with succurro 2019-2020)