On Beings as Patterns: leaning into our quantumness

being is: inhabiting — a mode of operation

— not a solo entity —

patterned elliptical rings in a 4d shape float in a milky galaxy of purple poofs, green glows, neon stars and luminous orbs

i’ve been viewing the world more in terms of pattern than entities.

this thing we perceive as an individual is really just a specific pattern of the universe that is blooming up here in this moment of spacetime. even me, fuzzy, am not just one or even several patterns. each of us, infinite patterns that have a higher or lower probability of exciting through into matter and form.. or what we call “reality” aka matereality or matter-reality.

i’ve been feeling myself merging with other people’s energies for moments. overlapping, a new completely different pattern emerges. i notice this more intensely since i’ve been viewing ‘relationships’ themselves as their own beings (as in both verb: a mode and noun: a conscious living thing.) and as you know if you’ve been reading along recently, i’ve been in the state of exploring relationship as art medium for about a year. i explore, express, and acknowledge all my connections as relationship; not just my relationships to other humans but to communities, ecosystems, our other-than-human earth kin, unearthed beings and energies including ideas, objects and matter, symbols, systems, elements, and forces. everything as relationship. matrices within matrices and all valid beings/entities in their own. this is connected to my understanding of us as quantum beans, quantum matter. in quantum physics, quantum matter is understood to be in ‘superposition’ at any given time. superposition refers to being in many different, all valid states at once, like a wave (varied and in flux) as opposed to a particle (specific and stagnant). quantum matter, therefore only appears to be particalized (in a certain place, state, or structure) when being measured or observed. meaning us, quantum matter, only appears to be solid matter as long as a consciousness (including our own) is perceiving or observing us. so…spoiler alert.. we are in fact these fluctuating patterns that are only ever momentarily discernible as a small percentage of the full truth of who and what we are.

when i carry this truth into my daily awareness, many things are set at ease. for one, much potential energy reverberates in my being — neutral and magnetic — when it passes a threshold of activity it feels like adrenaline or anxiety. a lot of that i’ve found comes from the desire of the different parts and patterns within me to be expressed or at least acknowledged. if i’m connecting to myself as a multitude of pattern matrices all with the potential to be brought forth, my being feels whole and unfractured. parts of me that may feel stifled or hidden when i’m more connected to myself as an idea of a certain thing, can relax when i acknowledge that i can be any number of things at any given time. i’m now available to be whatever makes the most sense, or is the most attractive (read: magnetic) pattern/expression at any given time. “i”, fuzzy, am more available to just “be” (as in active verb) in each present moment. i call this mode of relation Quantum Realism. behaving as such that our quantum nature is our truest nature regardless of the ways that may seem to contradict our understanding of linear physics or matereality. [Embracing Superposition is one of the tenants of Quantum Realism which i discuss further in my forthcoming book Earth Stuff: Spirit Vision.] when Embracing Superposition, i’m not operating from old programming or projected plan, but from the source of me ~ the multitudes of fluid patterns that might burst forth at any moment. a truer picture of me emerges, one that is vastly more interesting then when i spent time trying to craft and act from an externally-influenced, designed avatar/archetype.

timing gets synchronous when we are meeting and responding to the present with presence — an example of how our quantumness supersedes our connection to linear physics. time is pliable and fluid. our destinations and connections (or what quantum physics calls entanglements) have the opportunity to come meet us when we are acting from our embodied present. those patterns that challenge or compliment ours on our emerging journies sprout up with ease. it’s like being the star in our own open world videogame (okay but what’s the difference..shh). i decide or lean into exploring a concept, then emerging all around me, articles, songs, a random convo, a chance encounter, physical objects, ambient ideas all relating to the theme. if i’m busy trying to be anywhere but right here, i miss all these gems.

i also find it easier to not pedestalize and anxiously attach/overlap with other humans’ patterns. as i discussed in visibility in the era of chronic overexposure and systemic disempowerment masses of folx aiming for a systemically imposed supreme ideal makes a disempowered, disembodied, controllable collective. the living idols of this culture are the larger-than-life humans who appear to fill these supreme ideals and are thus stripped of their humanity. this is an anxious attachment pattern. when we give others the grace of also holding them in an understanding of superposition, we not only have context for multitudes of sometimes conflicting patterns within an individual, we also make space for ease of change and growth for us all. our patterns can freely mingle, overlap, and detach as needed. i’ve found when i’m busy being with my multitudes, i have little time to obsess over someone else’s. i have more time to revel in the momentary expressions and emergent patterns that i get to witness in others. of all the timespaces i got to witness this ! by extension the beauty in deepening intimate relationship lies not in the getting to know a “true” and defined version of someone, but in getting to see the larger emergent pattern of a being that is only apparent through many moments of contact and observation. another name for the overlapping of our patterns in spacetime — intimacy — is a being not a knowing.

Grounding thru Practice: letting paint be my teacher

I finally had a huge transformation of allowing painting to teach me, instead of trying to master painting.

Earlier this month i undertook part two of a four part painting series. My first egg painting residency was clunky. I was finding a sense of order with the flow of channeling paintings — where my part ends and collaboration meets. I foresaw what patterns i would need to inhabit in order to be successful, then quickly derailed myself by slipping into old patterns of behavior. After a day of rest and nervous system reboot, i returned to a more grounded execution of part one of the series, though still pushing myself a little harder than ideal.

While in the planning stages for part two of the series, my old patterns came into view. Before, i would begin with this vision in my head, as i often do with creative visual exploration. I wanted to manipulate paint, to master paint, to bend paint to my vision.. i willed paint to become this thing that i sensed in my head or my bodies. There was no space for curiosity. Then, during this residency, i really had a shift of like, there is wisdom in PAINT. /color and medium/. Paint has things to share with me. Up till now, i was being a unilateral partner to paint: showing up to take without opening up to receive.

When that hit, it seemed so obvious. Especially because opening to collaboration with Material is how my practice thrives. I allow my visions to express thru a multitude of mediums. So much of the way my ideas materialize becomes about what medium they itch to express thru. Meeting Medium as collaborative partner is already a deep woven part of my practice. If i want textural material and to work with what-is, i might express an idea thru upcycled fabric. If i want it to have a sort of crisp luminance of the cyber age i might design digitally. If i want emotional, expressive materiality that’s very about feeling, then i want to do this in paint. I feel like so much of paint is about flow: finding ease and flow with practice and mutual openness. (we have to change and let ourselves be changed, over and over. stagnation is a slow dying). And there is definitely something about material manipulation with paint — a factor of confusion for me as to the point of why i wanted to engage with paint. I was aiming for this unilateral imposing instead of mutual creation which involves decay (of expectations/iterations), constant change.

In the midst of feeling so called to this medium i’ve also felt a lot of frustration and ungroundedness historically when engaging. {failing to let the current flow thru (envision: figure-8)}. So when re-approaching this painting series, i did it with a spirit of inquiry. What is the reason i want to play with paint? What is it that i want to manipulate and move? In this case, it’s not my emotions, expressions and feelings themselves i aim to move. Rather to engage the ability to shift and combine materials with their own energetic spirits into something that mirrors, evokes, or contains ~ f e e l i n g : s e n t i e n c e : expressive symbols of form and color. All of painting is a metaphor. {The metaphor mind links us up to stardust and ether. In metaphor mind, we easily acknowledge the unseen space between two distant points and their sameness. S P I R I T U S ~ breath : is another such similar bridge}. The medium here — egg yolk — provided by the chickens on the land, brought forth a deeper layer of metaphor and meaning: Golden life-liquid of nourishment giving flow to the powdered earth minerals of pigment.

so this time i stayed with the paint instead of dissociating into to-do lists and incremental deadlines

Before, the process of trying to force paint to my will was terrible for me. I got sick trying to work my body to be outcome oriented.. to meet ends that i foresaw. I tried to override realities of linear time, process, or integration. Once i got the vision i was off running to the finish line — all about the outcome. I didn’t wanna care about the process. I wanted to zip forward, fast-forward to the end. What i found was i got sick in the middle and had to slow myself down. I had to take a day off and reboot my nervous system around the project in order to complete it. That was very humbling.

I’d initially planned to paint part two of the series last summer and had a false start. I wasn’t ready to be the conduit or the channel for a grounded/grounding painting exploring balance. I was dealing with a lot of out of balance learning experiences at the time.

Coming back to this phase, i again, knew the patterns i needed to inhabit to be successful and was more determined to stay the course. I felt both like the humble doer and the passive bystander, watching this very slow unfolding. I was watching the process in myself and outside feeling all the eager frustration of a halted racehorse with the awe of a satisfied baker. like “wow this is a really slow process.. woah we’re really in it..wow everything is being baked in”. I was with the meditation, the material, and what i was trying to infuse into the material during the process. I could be present to allow the paint and its movement to be a way i process and deepen awareness. I could take frequent breaks to cook and feed myself, to walk and stretch, explore, and be intimate with the land — everything my chronically ill, neuroqueer bodies needed to be a conduit to this painting. and it was BEAutiful. Instead of the two paintings i initially planned, the one painting is probably just a quarter of the way done. So its beautiful and im just reflecting on wow, intentioned creation takes a lot of time. It also feels more aligned. I feel finally able to meet paint in a sacred act of cocreation.

a poem:

painting is a sentience
a student of painting does not need a (human) teacher.
they are the learner - they are learning from paint.
when i stopped trying to master painting,
i could finally relax
to do the thing
i need to, am being asked to / want to do
to be the full open breathing channel
conduit for creation
collaborate with conditions and ideals alike
to create a magical convergence
holi plexus of unearthed energy birthing into being
to be present to
all that is
and infuse it with
all that could be
enuf to hold
us all thru
the raft of one cell body
percolating into timeless
effervescence