finding the way thru with despair
2 patchwork candles with green flame on black fabric
"sometimes life is hazy. & what will be the rope you follow out of this hole?" - spirit’s advice during my recent dance with despair.
developing my mediumship practice has taught me that in moments of sensory overwhelm and confusion i can always reachout and catch a string to follow thru the noise. it’s a story, a pathway, an opening, a structure. it is not a clear picture of everything, rather just the slice of pie that i can digest and manage. just because we have access to something doesn't mean it's meant for us. trying to manage and comprehend every thing is a quick path to overwhelm. i've also learned that what does come thru, the string that i do catch is what's meant for me. what i need to know at that time. so, with breath and practice, i focus and follow.
i begin with inquiry. what is the point of being in this hole. to find my way out? to know how it feels? to learn what it's sharing? we do not have to have the answers to be in movement - to continue living. in fact, life is a series of mysteries and perceived chronology thru which we grow. to be able to contain the full truth of existence is to pass out of this plane and out of our meatsuits. holding and remembering the totality of my/our being at once is a futile pursuit, i often have to remind myself. i regularly need to sit with this fact and consciously recommit to the earth experience. we will never be on a constant up or perpetual plateau. the nature of life is change. the nature of life is a full spectrum of experience that may register as preferred or nonpreferred to us. in moments of neuro-synchronicity i feel so down with this. down for the spectrum, the whole all of everything as it decides to dance into my life. but the bodily experience of fear n disorientation and discomfort can bring me thru a washing machine of despair. from which i must note i always emerge. life is change.
it is okay to experience despair. but spirit advised me that entertaining it as a guest is draining my energy. too, trying to run from despair thru numbing or avoidance merely cinches the hose of this energy temporarily, only to flood thru my experience later in an overwhelming deluge that disorients and threatens to drown. sometimes the line feels impossible to find, between acknowledging and absorbing/identifying. as a deeply sensitive being in many senses of the word, the intensity of displeasure, fear and anxiety in my system can be challenging to hold in context/community with the rest of my experiences. so it's not so much finding my way thru despair as it is finding despair's way thru me that i must attend to. what is despair's relief?
i am reminded again and again and again that these waves are not ours to traverse alone. this too is a part of the life game. in a recent session with Sanyu Estelle she reminds me that our practice is not for when we are feeling good. we practice so that it's there for us when we are out of balance, unstable. practice brings equilibrium. while it may feel exponentially harder to show up in practice with presence in times of despair, even if i can only touch a small kernel, the benefits can be profound. a life preserver. being with and in community is a most important spoke in my web of practice and support. continuing to show up and share from this place is also a twine of my web that is valuable to more than myself. even if it's not clear to me from this spacetime. being in community and in practice with the full spectrum of myself is honoring my humanity and being fully in the earth game. a committed piece of the whole to help and be helped, to learn share and grow together. which is what earth is all about. i remember too the moments of being a supportive strand of someone elses web. and what a profound taste of wholeness it gives me. what a sweet remembering of the nectars of life and our makeup of stardust. we are stars, we burn for eachother. as a web we grow and connect and hold eachother so we can continue to catch these blessings - the nourishment of life. the pleasure and joy of sensing & being. with the full spectrum of life's offerings.
sending so much love to your corner of this transforming earth,
lou